Breaking the Habit
by Tardis-riding Bandit
Summary: not a songfic, but humor. all aboard the fail boat


Breaking the Habit (Naruto)

Don't assume this is a songfic or a drama or a hurt/comfort angst. It's humor. Or at least an attempt. Hopefully no one took this topic but remember that tomato salmonella epidemic in early 2008? Didn't Sasuke's face appear in your mind? So Konohagakure go through a salmonella outbreak and Sasuke has to endure. Rated T for Sasuke's colorful language.

I don't own Naruto. It would suck so hardcore if I did though.

Disappointment

I've been awake in my bed for thirty minutes. Although I'm an ANBU squad leader and have to get up early in the morning, it's Saturday and there's nothing to do. My girlfriend Sakura is an early riser, making us breakfast. I can hear her steaming rice (they eats it in the mornings too!) toasting toast, and squeezing oranges.

I get up and scratch my head. My hair sticks up in a twisted fashion, looking worse than that chicken butt hairstyle. All this time I've been walking around and the girls loved my hair, but the style stayed while I grew older and the girls grew _tired_ of it.

Did the chicken-butt hairstyle run in the family? Nope, dammit, it's always the youngest isn't it?

I give up with my hair and padded down to the kitchen. Sakura is on the phone in her nurses outfit- blue sleeveless turtleneck and a white skirt. An outfit for old ladies, but Sakura's body can pull off anything. She senses me and turns.

"Good morning Sasuke."

"Good morning." I get a glass of juice and sit down.

Sakura sets down a plate for me and sits down across from me.

There is eggs, rice, and toast. Tofu sausage and fruit.

Something is missing.

"Sakura?"

"Yes?"

"Where are the tomatoes?"

"What tomatoes?"

"We just bought some."

"No we didn't."

Sakura is a master liar. She'll even fool me, but when it comes to tomatoes I know everything.

"Sakura…"

"What?"

"Where are the tomatoes?" I'm getting pissed.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

I glare at her, but my Sakura glares back, her striking green eyes making her glare seem worse.

I get up in a blinding speed and appear near the trash can. I pull out a container with three tomatoes inside.

I am shocked. My contorts in an expression that makes Sakura to pinch the bridge of her nose and sigh.

"Sakura." I growl.

"What?"

"What the fuck is this?"

"A container."

"With what?"

"Vegetables."

"What kind?"

"The red kind."

I hit my head with my palm several times. Sakura, my impossible Sakura.

"Why are my tomatoes in the trash can?"

"They're bad."

I check them. They seem perfect to me.

"No they're not."

"Yes they are."

"No."

"Yes."

"Sakura how bad are they?"

"They're infected."

"Say what? (yeah I made him say it. Sue me)

"Here." Sakura goes into the living room and turns on the TV. I follow, still clutching the tomatoes to my chest. The news is on. Something about the Lord of Konohagakure is visiting a cadet academy in Kumokagure (Lightning Country). Down at the bottom information scrolled. Something about healthcare.

The news anchor finished her story and moved on to this:

Throw out your tomatoes, because the Gure Food Administration has officiated a total recall of all tomatoes. Apparently there has been a salmonella outbreak in the soil and has affected the tomato plant. This just happened three days after the plague with the spinach. This is not a terrorist attempt, but sources say it's tainted soil from animal exposure and industrialization. All supermarkets, restaurants and food suppliers in Konohakagure, Sunagakure, and Amekagure will have to empty out their tomato stocks until this is figured out.

The anchor went on to another story but I didn't care.

I was glued to the spot, clutching my potentially infected beauties. The container crackles from my squeezing.

Sakura turns off the TV. Her hands on her hips. The defiant stare. It says I told you so.

"These can't possibly be infected." I won't believe this.

"They are."

"This can't-"

"Sasuke."

"WHY MUST THE GODS CURSE ME SO?!!!!" I fall to the ground in dramatic despair. I know Sakura is rolling her eyes.

"The only thing I've ever loved-" My head jerks because Sakura grabbed my scalp.

"Speaking of the only one you love."

"You know what I mean. Let go of my hair! I'm not done sulking."

"This epidemic won't last long, you know that?"

"I can't live without tomatoes! This is torture! What the clusterfuck shall I do?" (yeah he said it.)

Sakura lets go of my hair, sighing. I get up. No tomatoes for god knows how long. I have to find a substitute.

Sakura leaves for work and I'm left all alone. I see the tomatoes on the floor, one squished from the squeezing.

"Why are you infected?" I whine.

This should be national news. No tomatoes until the blasted agriculture department fies the crisis.

Worst Saturday ever. 


End file.
